What Leg are you Leaning on When Communicating?

Regardless of the situation we are communicating all the time. Depending on the context of a situation we may alter our communication style but in general we all have a style that becomes the ‘norm’ for us. Ideally, the assertive communication is the most desired style and you can read about this in many books, websites, magazines or hear about it on numerous videos.

When you communicate assertively, you make direct statements regarding your feelings,  thoughts, and wishes. You stand up for your rights and take into account the rights and  feelings of others. You listen attentively and let other people know that you have heard  them. You are open to negotiation and compromise, but not at the expense of your own  rights and dignity. You can make requests and direct refusals. You can give and receive  compliments. You can start and stop a conversation. You can deal effectively with  criticism without becoming hostile or defensive. (McKay, Davis & Fanning, 2009, p.129)

Another way to consider your communication style is to visualize sitting on a three legged stool and each leg represents a communication style; 1) Nurturing, listen and validate the other person(s) feelings, 2) Investigator, ask a lot of questions, 3) Problem-Solver, you try and find solutions for others. If you lean on one or even two legs more often then the stool is going to physically fall over. This stool requires three legs so that you are able to sit on it successfully! Think about this with your communication as well. None of these legs need to be removed but consider, Are you actually sitting on all three legs? Are you relying on one or two of the legs and this may be causing challenges in communicating with others? How might you find an optimal balance sitting on all three legs? Ask someone close in your life what they observe and reflect on the impact it has had on your relationships.

Communication can be challenging for all of us even at the best of times. If you would like to further your explore your style of communication and its impact on the relationships you desire most please book a session with me and we can explore this further.

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The Communication Skills Book.  Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.